Thursday, August 5, 2010

Day 3, 4, 5, & 6 August 5, 2010

I haven't been lazy! I just haven't been around a computer. I took off to San Francisco (well more like Emeryville) with my girlfriend. She had some employer sponsored education deals going on down there, and her parents sprung for a Hotel room at the suites where her classes were. I am broke and am behind in Ebay selling, but I finally decided to just go ahead and go. I was more afraid of feeling anguish and despair, not having alcohol. I haven't been on a trip in a long time and been sober long enough to say It'd been part of a day.

We left Sunday Aug. 1 at around 6pm. The drive was around an hour and a half. Upon arrival we hung out and my girlfriend's Mother stewed up some Beef, which I declined that night. I'm not vegatarian but I am trying to stay off the food before going to bed. My girlfriend's son is still away at his Aunt's house so everything is pretty calm. I don't have to chase after anyone or feel the need to subordinate at any given moment.

The next day started off good. I went down and used the hotel's swanky work out equipment (treadmill) and run in my socks because I forgot my Tennis Shoes. That wasn't the only thing I forgot. I forgot my cell phone charger too. I thought sobriety was supposed to help me remember stuff. I think the reason I forgot my things was because I had a lot on my mind. I was worried about my vegetable garden surviving 3 days without me, Ebay rolling along, and I had to remember to take my computer tower and bicycle rim with me because the last day of the trip would be in LA and my father was going to help me fix both of those.

Alas, August 2nd rolls along and breakfast is good (although I ate alone). By the time I finished my computerized jog and showered It was 8:30am and everyone had eaten. My girlfriend makes it to her class a little early at around 9:30am and I end up hanging out with her parents and little 7 year old sister. It was good family fun. We roamed thu Oakland, and the Bay area. We took a Ferry. We took funny pictures. We people watched and glanced at obnoxiously expensive touristy junk. Everything was GREAT, until I started to feel cheated. My girlfriend's Mother drinks. She had beautiful looking alcoholic drinks throughout the day. She had them during all those moments that I used to have them. Morning, Afternoon, mid-Afternoon... She had one on the Ferry too! LUCKY!

I just tried to ignore it.. "Just take pictures of stuff," I told myself. I did. I took plenty. I took some really awkward ones, and some that were just plain unneccessary. I just didn't want to be reminded that that potion existed. Because the feeling of being drunk is a gulp away, and I craved it constantly.

At around 3pm, August 2nd I get dropped off at the hotel and my girlfriend's parents run some errands and meet some friends. I step into the hotel room and contemplate what I will do for 2 hours before my girlfriend gets out of her class. Immediately I am tempted to drink the vodka that was left in the freezer. My girlfriend's mother did state, "Help yourself to anything in the fridge!" But I keep myself from doing that. I figure there has to be something else I could do.

I take a stroll down to the local market, which is like a mini-mall of tasty take out foods from around the world. There's Vietnamese, Italian, Japanese, English, etc. and I am in LOVE! FOOD is GOOD! I think ok, awesome.. This is what I need. I don't eat quite yet, and I figure I can eat there with my girlfriend later. Instead I visit a little Asian quickee mart that sells candy and beverages and I buy some gummy bears and a "new age" beverage called "Mary Jane". The beverage claims to relax you. By the name I figure this might be something that can curb my desire to drink a beer right now. Every fast food stand in the market sold beer and half way thru my stroll I was salivating for a Stella Artois, a Negra Modelo, A WHATEVER THE HELL I CAN PUT IT MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW. The beverage was tasty. I didn't feel anything really. I mean I tried. I thought, "ok, here it comes.. I'm relaxed. OMG I am so stoned!" But no nothing.

I end up walking back to the Hotel and checking out some tube. The first thing on is the only thing I end up watching and it's a documentary about the Steroids industry in Sports. What a great topic. I tear into the gummy bears and after 15 minutes they are all gone. Then I realized that by this point I was flat on the couch, watching tv, and had just polished off an entire bag of Gummy Bears. To boot, I was getting sleepy. Was this the effects of the "Mary Jane"?? Could be. Want to read a review from someone else?

Ok, ok.. all kidding aside. The drink did have a rather calming affect. Kava extract is supposed to do that. But right about now I'd be pretty tanked on any other normal given day, and today was just the 4th day of the exception. I was a little, let's say.. down and out about it. I was missing my best friend.

My girlfriend finally shows up and is ready to roll. I know how she feels. After any first day of class I have ever had I am pumped and feeling good. I respectfully decline to go with her to get a pedicure and manicure and stay laying around to feel "relaxed" with my kava extract some more. She calls me later as she finishes her pedicure/manicure at a little smelly place that is adjacent to the aforementioned market-place. Now is my chance! Going to have a great meal with my awesome girlfriend and everything is going to be ok! When I get down to meet her she is smoking a cigarette.

All hell breaks loose in my mind. WHY is everyone doing stupid shit when I am trying to be clean?! I don't care if she smokes really. I am not trying to keep anyone from doing what they want to do, but by now the very smell of cigarette smoke is causing me to want to hurl vomit. I make a face, I sit far away from her, I tell her I won't join her until she puts it out. This basically is what starts a "quiet battle" between the both us that lasts the remainder of the trip. I keep to myself. She tries to get me to act normal. I spat even worse. Her mom asked why I was upset. I tell her why. I stay quiet. I feel it is my Human right handed down to me from my creator, to feel CRANKY and UPSET. I just want to be left alone. I try to register for classes and all of them are full. Now I REALLY want to be left alone.

So it was a quiet car-ride to LA.

Upon arriving to LA. I get my stuff and hit the hay. The next day I almost leave my girlfriend. I say mean and hurtful things. I feel MEAN. I AM mean. I WANT to be mean.

Don't worry everyone. We stayed together. But this is really a tough road. I'm still sober.

I'll type about Thursday the 5th, and Friday the 6th tomorrow. We will be all caught up then.


  1. What else can I say to a VERY brave man...hang in there! You can do it...I did!!! It's in your genes... :)

  2. 1) Advice for boys: when girl keeps poking at you to talk about it and not be cranky, she's being a typical girl. Tell her as nicely as possible you really need to be alone for awhile (because girls aren't always psychic), and it's better for the both of you if you talk later.

    Once you're over the crankiness, express your concerns to her. Be clear about whether or not your moodiness is related to her actions.

    If she's being cranky, however, she usually wants to talk it out sooner rather than later. But girls need alone time, too. Use your best judgment. Hugs are helpful.

    2) Advice for girls: when boy gets cranky, he really likes to be alone. In general, boys don't like to talk or feel pressured to "stop being moody". Just leave him alone until he's ready to talk it out.

    While he's brooding, use your intuition and reason to decide if his moodiness is related to you or not. If you've been communicating well with each other, you should have a good hunch.

    Regardless, his reactions to your actions are his feelings, and you should not let them affect you.

    While he's taking the time to be alone, you should figure out what you can do to make yourself a better person. Practice a musical instrument, write out your thoughts, go for a bike ride, read a book, go to the gym. It helps if you are in two entirely separate locations.

    3) Boy and girl roles described above are generalized and may be reversed or combined. When in doubt, always keep the "ideal version of you" in the back of your mind, and strive to be that person. (Example: the ideal me would not get depressed when my partner is moody - the ideal me would go out and do amazing and productive things that would not only make my partner look at me and realize his/her moodiness was silly, but I would look at myself and be so proud, I wouldn't even have to be concerned with my partner's moodiness!)

    4) Take all above advice with a grain of salt.
    Life cannot always be defined. Open your heart, open your mind, and remember you could die tomorrow.

    5) No matter what, laugh it off. Humans can be really ridiculous sometimes. You are a tiny speck in the universe after all. Take a trip to the West Texas desert, if you don't know what I mean.