Quick Cash

These states are the influential cause of every last motivator. They have given me the means, the wherewithal and the knowledge. They gave me the go-ahead run to continue doing whatever it is I end up doing. I've contributed as best I could, while maintaining a common denominator in morality, ethics, and normalcy. Most of what I have experienced I didn't quite ask for.

I am sitting in a Burger King. Caution: Wet Floor. Caution: 90's pop music. Caution: only one refill. I did choose to be here. I also had a choice to be in the McDonald's that is across the street. What I really wanted was a coffee and a place to charge my cell phone. The planter houses fake plastic leaves with accents of oceanic-like motifs. Pink waves, blue skies, and a semi-translucent plastic veneer. People sit and eat their last meals in quiet solitude, but no one is alone. In fact there is a variety of companionship to be found. Mother with child, some with child in womb. Meals are shared and distributed among friends fresh out of school, or on their way to ditch parties. It's Monday.

A woman enter the room in a hurry, pulling a container of garbage and chaos behind her as if she was about to move in, while speaking a rambled group of words that was an even mixture of jumbled vowels sprinkled with a few select English words. The only thing I could make out was the word "devil" as she entered the woman's bathroom in a blitz. She came out of the bathroom a few minutes later and sat down while waving off a woman and a child, calling them "hell's brethren" and warning me and another gentleman of our apparent camaraderie with the departing woman and child. I told the departing woman to leave the trash collector alone because she was in an obvious state of insanity. The trash collector looked at me and said that I was the one who was insane. I told her that everyone is "tripping" but that we should keep those things to oneself. The gentleman beside me started to speak but was quickly attacked by the woman's recurring theme: "Your are the devil, and belong in hell!" Is is then that I realized she openly targeting black people.

I don't feel like I need to defend anyone, but obviously this woman was out of line. She attempted to speak to me with compassion, but I told her that I didn't care about what she had to say. After a few short minutes, and a security guards stare, the woman left the same way she came in, uttering words in tongues.

Later 3 kids walk in and sit down at the Burger King table in front of me with a large container of aloe vera juice that was obviously NOT aloe vera juice, and rolled a joint while listening to hip hop loudly on their cell phone. No one told them to get lost.

Math and Computer Science

Part 1.

Everyone has a phone, that rings inside their minds.
It gyrates, it imitates, genuflects and then rewinds.
It's a random sound that greets you, and then says
goodbye. You never know, if it's OK to reply.

Everyone has an urge to wipe their butts with 2-ply.
Spent many years lurking behind the horrible evil eye.
Never knowing which way to run and to hide.
The bottoms up, top is down, no answer is justified.

Throw it out, keep it in, leave it alone, it's all the same.
The entire problem, the static sin, is inside your brain.
If anyone wants to stop and take this fun little ride,
Tell them that they're welcome to stand at the end of the line.

So what if those souped up pigs want to start a war?
The rules aren't always meant to reduce the death toll.
Doesn't anyone care about peace and love anymore?
The planet and its people, and animals know what's in store.

Part 2.

Worms, Worms, Worms.
Wriggly, Wiggly, Slimy, Dirty.
Recycle It, Eat It, Smell It!
Loosen It, Defecate, Lay It!

Bugs, Bugs, Bugs.
Creepy, Crawly, Grimy, Grizzly.
Sense It, Splice It, Reproduce!
Loosen It, Defecate, Lay It!

People, People, People.
Smelly, Surrogate, Feeble.
Tell It, Lie About It, Think It!
Loosen It, Defecate, Lay It!

Headphones.

The term headphones came up today. I thought I might write a little bit on the subject.

Headphones have always been an item that keeps what is personal, personal. I always enjoy seeing joggers running with headphones, because most of the time they just like fitness people. I rarely see a runner that "looks like a rapper" or a jogger that "might be into pavement". I wonder, what kind of music they might be listening to. For some reason when I see a bigger guy with a crew cut, I envision him listening to Metallica. When I see a short blonde girl, I think she might be listening to Alannis Morissete. Regardless, there is absolutely no way of telling what they could possibly be listening to. I've never seen a jogger running with a cowboy hat, so that I can distinguish him as a guy who listens to Garth Brooks or Vicente Fernandez.

On the other hand, lately at least, music has become more of a defining characteristic of a person's immediate persona. They emit music through every pore in their body. Their choice of glasses, choice of head wear, choice of footwear, and even choice of friends seems to revolve around music. These people use headphones too, but sometimes you can all too plainly, hear the music at a decibel that clearly is not meant for personal headphone use. Even car stereos are louder now, making them much less of a personal use item, and more of a public commercial for a particular musician or genre.

Matching cars with musical taste is somewhat easy to do too. A beat up Volvo is probably indie or some other sort of mainstream rock. Might even be obscure garage punk. A Beetle is probably a stoner who listens to psychedelia, but the new Beetles might be just a college girl who like top 40 music. I used to drive a beat up 80's Mercedes Diesel. This shoved me right into the slacker 20 something who was still caught somewhere in that "not leaving home yet, but far from home" stage and working on it.

Bicyclists are just cool.

But when the radio in the car is loudly heard by everyone on the street, the guessing game becomes an erratic free-for all! Anything goes! A Mini-Cooper should be playing the Smiths at a loud volume, but if you see one bumping Sean Combs, you may take a second glance. There may be Teen Pop blaring for the speakers of a VW-Bus, and then you may have to believe that someone is driving their stoned out Soccer Mom's Van. Who knows! There is always the Gangster Rap emanating from the beat up Nissan Sentra, but that's just someone who is living the hood life while being a "slacker 20 something who was still caught somewhere in that 'not leaving home yet, but far from home' stage and working on it" guy.

Simply put, keep your music to yourself. Unless you have a party, or throw an event, or have some people just groveling at your feet waiting for your musical opinion because you are a self proclaimed aficionado on an entire genre or you work for a trendy music magazine. Wait, you might be playing in a band or singing, then you should share that too.. but for goodness sake, turn the speakers err headphones down!

Plaza Mexico! The Rip-offcot.

the past few days since being sequestered in my parent's house, i've had a double dosing of mainstream commercial america stuff. while waiting for my lil sis to get a manicure and pedicure, my pops and i went to a skateboarding store called s.o.b. sports, sears, petco, and toys r us. before that we went to cvs, and i asked for an application at a marshall's (which is like a thrift store for mijas, and what i mean by mijas, people who can't stand to wear used clothes and think the smell is similar to their grandparent's bedroom). as far as smell is concerned i have decided i will NEVER set foot into a nails salon ever again. when i worked in a mall, i recall there being a peculiar scent emanating from the nails salon as i walked past it, but i would have never thought that it smelled as BAD as it did.

in college i took a class called environmental racism. in this class the text-book went so far as to suggest that this job was practically dedicated to lower/middle class asian americans. basically the long hours, poor ventilation, and the close proximity to the chemicals ensured that an entire group of citizens were being toxified. i asked the couple who were running the front desk if they minded the smell (at this point i had my shirt over my nose), and they just smiled and said that they were used to it. i think i might have even been stricken with a slight headache. it went away, but i am sure if i worked there and had to stay there for longer than a few minutes, i'd have a permanent headache. eventually i suppose it would go away, sort of like that first high you get when you smoke a cigarette or take a hit of marijuana and then every eventual hit is not as potent as the last. or to some extent like you can never get as drunk as the first time you got drunk, no matter how much more you drink than that last time. i believe the word is called "chronic". in short i don't think chronic exposure to nail stripping chemicals is good for you. maybe for the dame that visits the joint for a quick pamper it's not so bad, but man i feel for those little asian ladies.

i also feel for the city of los angeles who gets the chance to visit "plaza mexico" in the great city of lynwood. apparently a korean man who lived in mexico for some time, came back to los angeles and decided that he needed to recreate an average city in mexico and splash a plethora of overpriced schlock shops and a few authentic mexican restaurants from different regions. now i am not saying that the mexican-americans who work here aren't doing a good job. we ate at Guelaguetza restaurant. they provided a oaxacan experience that was chock full of mole and delicious warm beverages. in fact the food was very tasty. it was something i could have made at home obviously. especially since i ordered a nopal salad, which was basically nopales, tomatoes, onions, and fresh cheese. which was very good. i mean i really couldn't complain. except for the fact that the music was LOUD for 9am, and it was all this horrible brand of spanish pop music that sounded like lady gaga singing japanese over a couple of sum 41 and/or miley cyrus music.

the town as a whole looked like a universal studios back lot. the buildings, statues, and tile floors all evoked the feeling of walking thru an authentic mexican downtown, except it all looked so fake. especially when you left and you saw the "backstage", which was comprised of grimy overgrown bushes, trash, and typical los angeles toddler scrawling, also known as graffiti.

there were absolutely no scruffy weather beaten salesmen, offering cotton candy or pinatas. there were no women selling artistry laid out on hand woven blankets. there were no kids running around with no parents in sight, chasing down wild dogs and asking for change. there WAS on the other hand, a mall.. which tired to look like a mexican mall SO bad that it actually sucked for trying. they were still selling juicy couture and nike shoes anyway. they were just doing it in a smaller space, and the aisles were more confined. mexican malls usually sold cheap knock offs of power ranger and hulk hogan toys, and a few "chorts" and "chirts" that resembled adidas brands. quite honestly the last time i went to a mexican mall IN MEXICO, it looked like an american mall, with all the bells and whistles. hooray for mall swapping! it seems as if california has traded its idea for the mall with mexico hands down. i feel as if mexico is getting the short end of the stick on this one.

before i left i also got a gander at the setting up of the event that was going to be taking place there later in the day. it was a verizon wireless promotion. apparently entering your name for a drawing where you can win a quinceanera of your dreams would guarantee you the chance to meet Jay Sean. who the hell is jay sean anyway? i looked him up and the first words i read were the names of his songs.. "ride it", "cry", "eyes on you". to make it all even more worthwhile, the quinceanera of your dreams would feature a performance by jay sean! to make it even more interesting, the guy's real name is Kamaljit Singh Jhooti and is British-Indian. i was thinking that enqrique iglesias was going to be there.

this my friends, could be the other reason why mexicana, the airliner, is going out of business. apparently you can get a taste of mexico by traveling to lynwood, ca. if i ever come up on a large amount of money i'm going to build a theme park somewhere, with a replica of austin, a fake version of new york city, and an even faker version of hollywood. i'm going to call it Cheesney's Rip-offcot center.

been away.

i haven't posted any blogs recently, because i've been away. excellent r and r in austin, tx with my older sibling. by r and r, of course i mean rock and roll, because rest and chillaxation is so passe. anyway, it seems as though resting and rocking out is synonymous in austin.

i made it back in time to give a big high five to my little sis, who just left for spain today. she rocks. i don't know too many people my own age who've traveled cross continent, let alone leave this continent altogether. excellent work. i admire her.

she really is going to learn SO much being on her own in another country.

my soul was made in china, and other tidbits

It is no secret that everything we buy was made in China. Now I am even certain that if you go out of your way to buy handmade items that your close friends make, or shop at local bazaars, the raw materials they used were somehow made in the orient. The very fabric then of what we do and act like is entirely manufactured by the hard working people in China.

If we decide to be GREEN and recycle, most of what we ship to the recycling plant, gets bailed and shipped on liners all the way to China to be re-manufactured into aluminum bats or bicycles that we end up purchasing at a later day. It can be argued that everything we buy, whether it be for fashion, activity, or entertainment, makes up who we are, how we are viewed, and what label we carry.

It really does not matter if we have steady work or steady activity, because at times we are too occupied with keeping up with our label. There are endless amounts of these labels; hip hop, hipster, sporty, cowboy, hobo, green, fixie-rider, rock and roller, punk rocker, indie, artsy, suicide girl, emo, drinker, smoker, yuppy.. or other etc.'s that emit a label based simply on what we buy.


There are others that label us more on what we can accomplish throughout the day but still, to some extent, are based upon what we buy. We can't really do something without buying something to do it with first right? These are graphic designers, muralists, street artists, business men, baristas, bicyclists, truckers, musicians, skaters, runners, doctors, writers, readers, retailers, juicers, and all those other etc.'s that label us based on what we do.

I have a difficult time finding any one of these things that don't require us to use  foreign trade. Is foreign trade bad? Consider that the money spent on importing all of these items far outweighs the money spent on keeping Americans healthy. Actually I'd also imagine that the amount of money spent on advertising to keep America UNHEALTHY dramatically outweighs the amount of money spent on local health programs.

To this I say, live it up America! Soon our souls we be fabricated in China as well. China will laugh.

The most satisfying burger, Which sitcom star makes the most salary, and Where have all the good men gone?

This is only a short list of the run of the mill horse manure that I read every time I open up my Internet browser. Is this really the sort of trivia that we as Americans need to know?

I've never been a huge believer in the theory that television is dumbing down the country and that everyone, especially the ones that don't have cable, is perpetually spiralling down a brainless abyss.

Headlines are either about a horrific and tragic event, or about a new ice-cream flavor that is making waves at a local college. If this is what we are used to reading every day, or worse yet are actually reading every one of these Internet only, "front page" headlines, then there is something horribly wrong happening to society collectively. As Barbara Kruger once urged, we are going to be left with the attention spans of kittens. Worse yet, we might stop having attention spans for anything that is actually worthwhile or healthy. George Carlin urged that the owners of this country don't want a population of critical thinkers.

I'd appreciate headlines that affected us directly.

Random Post Office Moment

The other day I was at the post office.

Like any other day at the post office there was a bit of a line. There were two clerks. There were antsy people. There were patient people. Looked like someone at any time was going to "go postal".

The only thing that was a little different that day was a lanky black lady standing outside the post office, perhaps inebriated, and singing at the top of her lungs the hit single "Glory, glory, hallelujah!".

Now to me this was fun. This was just the kind of thing I enjoyed seeing during the day that revitalizes me and forces me to believe in humanity's constant struggle to be creative. To do something out of the ordinary.

When I arrived to the first available clerk's window I came upon a conversation between him, the other clerk, and the woman that clerk was helping. It seemed as though they were complaining about the lanky black ladie's presence. Sort of playing the role of American Idol judges they announced, "She's better than the mariachi singer they got out front of the Arts Building!" Now I, being a little on the naive side, asked, "Really? When do they perform?"

The gal being helped by the other clerk had a neo-rockabilly, trying to be different but not pulling it off, semi-pretentious look. She expressed disgust at most every comment. She replied, "I don't know, but they are all annoying."

I chimed in, "Well, it looks to me like this downtown area needs more of these antics. It might inspire street musicians, street corner dime stores, music venues, etc. This downtown is utterly lacking creativity!" Downtown Modesto, CA is a place where you can drink some watered down cocktails in a seedy night club, and then walk to another bar, and then another bar, and then another bar. Don't get me wrong there are more than a few places to see live music. Most of them are incredibly overpriced versions of the "Hollywood elite" and don't provide much more than the basic top 40 noise that everyone is used to loving by now.

She replied, "I'd rather have the art studios, coffee shops, and music venues than these bums on the street!"

I was immediately transported to the one visit I had to Austin's City Limits. There they not only nurtured street musicians, but they gave them homes. Austin probably got weird because there were tons of weird people around. I don't think they started building music venues and then started booking shows for unique music concepts that the bar owners "discovered". The Woman's attitude in the Post office made me realize that the apparent laziness of society is what has stunted growth in every realm of this world out and out.

Seems like our current generation wants the skate parks, music venues, and coffee shops just to sprout up. GIMME GIMME GIMME! Instead of working there way out of a society driven need for the these places of play. PARTICIPATE INVENT CREATE!

It's been 14 days suckers!

So it's been 14 days today. That is if I manage to stay off the booze today.

I am going to start to distance myself from sobriety as a topic of discussion and move towards more of a day to day movement toward finding enlightening and mood fullfilling activities to take up my time between drinking. Does this mean I will drink again one day? I don't know, maybe. I think that, as my girlfriend put it, I can't just stand up and say drinking is wrong and then hang it up on a cross and tell everyone to believe in it. That'd be asking too much, and demanding a lot. Simply I am going to increase the intervals between use. Whether it be a month, a week, a year, and have a direction/purpose to alleviate myself from the daily need to consume alcohol.

I've come up with a plan.

I am going to allot myself 7 dollars a week for me to use on a dashing, fleeting, and completely self-fulfilling consumable. One week it might be a delicious bowl of Pho Noodle. One week it might be a huge murderous carnitas burrito. Another week it might be blanking out at a local arcade machine with a soda pop. Another week might be cruising the mall with a smoothie and people watching. Another week might be new strings for my guitar. Some weeks I'll do nothing with it and just save it. This will accomplish a great deal of things:

1. Make my life simpler, less expensive, and more thought-provoking.

2. Make sobriety easier to deal with.

3. Make a non-sober moment something out of the ordinary and special, rather than daily and monotonous.

Here's a big rah rah for half way there!

Day 10 A Fascinating Ride Down Farm Roads

Day 10 August 8, 2010.

I spent a day cleaning out the office and trying to organize my life. It only made me more anxious and upset, but somehow this was the driving factor in getting it accomplished. Sometimes you find things you don't really want to find. Reminders of things you really wish you'd never have to think about. There are so many things that you work so hard to numb or extinguish, and for some reason they just pop back into your head all the time. Sometimes they pop back into your head for no reason at all. If they manufactured a drug that could somehow remove all those memories that you no longer wanted to be reminded of, I would be a life-long prescription. I think most people would.

For me yesterday was a long bike ride. Just to clear my mind. Just me and the bike. Nothing else mattered at that point. Just me and the wind.

I rode thru a fantastic little community that reminded me of hippy town folk. Lots of front-yard gardens, lots of ornaments hanging all around the houses, and lost of farm land on every side of the home. Every house had a large plastic bag out front with all their recyclables segregated, neat, and cleaned. It's a good thing I brought my trash bag. I didn't bring the trailer, which was too bad, because I filled up a bag rather quickly. Furthermore farm roads must be where people do all their drinking and driving because every quarter mile was a can tossed to the side of the road. Might be migrant farm-workers too. I began to play a game. If it was a dirty Corona bottle it had to be a farm worker, and if it was a tall can of Bud Light, it had to be a drunk driving honky. If it was a soda bottle, it was probably a little leaguer riding in the back of dad's trailer and obviously imitating the drunk drivers.

After I made my way thru the farm roads I figured I'd just head home.. I mean my recyclable bag was ripping and.. NO HELL NO! That was NOT just two bicyclists whizzing by me! I stopped and tied knots in the ripped plastic in the bag.. stuffed as much of the CRV as I could into my back-pack and kept going.

I made it to a park where I was positive there would be lots of golden CRV. No. Mexican-American family parties, and they all do their own recycling.

There was on the other hand a bearded fellow having an unhealthy lunch of kfc and root beer with his lady friend and some other couple. Instantly he reminded me of me as he slurped, "Hey man! Nice shorts! Sexy!"

To which I replied, "Hey man, thanks! I knew I'd get compliments in this park. That's why I came here," as I dug thru a trash barrel. He replied, "Because you knew I'd be here?"

"No, just because I figured something nice would happen here."

He instantly stopped acting so funny. I wasn't going to just stand there and let him belt out jokes about my shorts, which were really short. I wasn't going to feel uncomfortable for the guy so that he could look way cool in front of his friends. I continued to rummage thru more barrels and I complimented his beard. I told him we both shared a disregard for shaving and that this made us as one. I also told him that men who say "fuck shaving", should stand tall and be proud of their nature-given dead skin growth. He agreed. As I biked away he whistled at me. Maybe he was just trying to get out of his relationship with a woman by hinting that he was a little bit gay.

That wasn't the only instance of weird male awkwardness at my shorts. A common past-time of passenger seat drivers is YELLING LOUDLY OUT OF THEIR OPEN WINDOW. I think they hope to cause a bicyclist to freak out and crash, so that they can laugh and have something to tell their friends when they get to their next stupid kick-back. Unfortunately for him I didn't hear him until he was close because I had "Anal Cunt" blasting on my earphones. I made direct eye contact with him and he muttered, "Hey Sexy." To which I replied, "Do you like my legs?" He then something something that was completely unintelligible. Something like "wha, ah ata ata ata!!!" I wish I would have recorded it. I wish I would have recorded the entire day.

Day 9 AKA Alcoholics pay me with how wasteful they are.

Day 9 Saturday 8/7/10 has came and went. I rode my bike to the post office on a Saturday. It's not my favorite post office. I have to ride down a busy street over-crowded with too many big rigs and speeding cars. I've come to HATE motor-vehicles. I don't know if this is part of my crankiness, but I think it is mostly the fact that everyone feels this NEED to have one. 100% dependant on cars.

The absence of alcohol has suddenly boosted my energy level, reduced my over-all feeling of despair, and created a new sense of longing for that buttery, excessive, and flavorful SUCCESS.

I purchased a small trailer to haul crap around behind me like a big rig on my bicycle.
Nowadays I mostly use it to haul recyclables about town. I would say per every Mile I ride I net about 10 bottles/cans. These are mostly found at the side of the road. For every 2 miles of bicycling there is usually a park and if I stop at those the average goes up to about 20 bottles/cans per mile. If I ride into downtown, the average goes up to about 100 bottles/cans and so on. What do I find most? BEER. Always on the side of the road which means someone chucked it out the window. Sometimes (about 25% of the time) they are still cold and have a little of that "ends" left in it. Wasteful alcoholics. They not only lost out on .5 ounces of potential drunkedness, but they also lost the 5 cents they paid as a bottle deposit. In downtown, the alleys behind the bars simply lay out cases of empty beer bottles and trash bags full of the employee's drinks which are usually diet Dr. Pepper (which I am certain fat security gaurds drank), and half-full bottle of trendy bottled waters like Aquafina or Fiji (which I am certain some tattoo sleeved wannabe Paris Hilton Bar-tender drank). These are like treasure days. A little heavy to haul the bottle back home, but well worth the excercise. I don't mind, I like it, and it is how I plan to pay the $120 monthly fee at the alcohol/DUI education program I attend.

I just hope one of those drunks that are tossing their cans out windows with a lit cigarette in their other hand don't end up where I am on the road on any particular day.

I should invest in a blow-horn.

Day 7 and 8 Otherwise known as Recycling Other People's Alcoholism.

Friday Mornings are usually my DUI classes. August 6th's class was the same as every one before. This time I found myself interjecting plenty and doing it in speedy and witty fashion. I found myself alert and ready. I could read every one's faces and anticipate breaks in their sentences to jump in with a disagreement. I had opinions and ideas that were just flowing out of me like ink from a ball point. I was GOING!

These past few days I am beginning to wield new weapons in my personal fight against alcoholism. Alcohol was always a way for me to completely unwind, and get 100% into the "character" that I always think I should be. It also is an opportunity to be even more of a jackass than I usually am. I mean who hasn't ever used the excuse, "Hey man sorry! I was drunk!"? Well of course unless you've never drank.

Which brings me to my next point.. Why not use that excuse all the time, anyway? I mean who's going to know? So many times in my long history of drinking, so many times on my run of excess and debauchery, so many times as a raging alcoholic, I could have SWORN no one knew I was drunk. I can count on my Fingers and Toes how many times I was pulled over by police officers and gotten away with extreme levels of BAC, because I simply answered "No" to the question, "Have you been drinking tonight?"

Well, well, well, why not just say "Yes" when asked, "Have you had the entire bottle of vodka to yourself?" and just GO NUTS! Seems like an opportunity to steal your friend's girlfriends/cars, strip down to your underwear/bare ass, and well, do whatever you feel like doing. The next day you can simply say you were drunk. You can even tell officers of the law that you have been drinking and then watch as they scratch their heads in amazement as you continually blow a 0.0% BAC.

"Amazing, just damn amazing.. The guy was as drunk as a skunk. Can't arrest em all Charlie, can't get em all," Officer Mendez might tell his partner as they drive off.

Basically the whole point of this blog today is to exclaim as loudly as possible that I, Fernando Landeros, have found a new alcohol! As green as I am, I have realized I can simply RECYCLE other people's alcoholism and make it my own. They're drunk anyway, they'll never know the difference. More on how I am replacing/reducing/reusing/recycling/retiring my alcoholism tomorrow.

Day 3, 4, 5, & 6 August 5, 2010

I haven't been lazy! I just haven't been around a computer. I took off to San Francisco (well more like Emeryville) with my girlfriend. She had some employer sponsored education deals going on down there, and her parents sprung for a Hotel room at the suites where her classes were. I am broke and am behind in Ebay selling, but I finally decided to just go ahead and go. I was more afraid of feeling anguish and despair, not having alcohol. I haven't been on a trip in a long time and been sober long enough to say It'd been part of a day.

We left Sunday Aug. 1 at around 6pm. The drive was around an hour and a half. Upon arrival we hung out and my girlfriend's Mother stewed up some Beef, which I declined that night. I'm not vegatarian but I am trying to stay off the food before going to bed. My girlfriend's son is still away at his Aunt's house so everything is pretty calm. I don't have to chase after anyone or feel the need to subordinate at any given moment.

The next day started off good. I went down and used the hotel's swanky work out equipment (treadmill) and run in my socks because I forgot my Tennis Shoes. That wasn't the only thing I forgot. I forgot my cell phone charger too. I thought sobriety was supposed to help me remember stuff. I think the reason I forgot my things was because I had a lot on my mind. I was worried about my vegetable garden surviving 3 days without me, Ebay rolling along, and I had to remember to take my computer tower and bicycle rim with me because the last day of the trip would be in LA and my father was going to help me fix both of those.

Alas, August 2nd rolls along and breakfast is good (although I ate alone). By the time I finished my computerized jog and showered It was 8:30am and everyone had eaten. My girlfriend makes it to her class a little early at around 9:30am and I end up hanging out with her parents and little 7 year old sister. It was good family fun. We roamed thu Oakland, and the Bay area. We took a Ferry. We took funny pictures. We people watched and glanced at obnoxiously expensive touristy junk. Everything was GREAT, until I started to feel cheated. My girlfriend's Mother drinks. She had beautiful looking alcoholic drinks throughout the day. She had them during all those moments that I used to have them. Morning, Afternoon, mid-Afternoon... She had one on the Ferry too! LUCKY!

I just tried to ignore it.. "Just take pictures of stuff," I told myself. I did. I took plenty. I took some really awkward ones, and some that were just plain unneccessary. I just didn't want to be reminded that that potion existed. Because the feeling of being drunk is a gulp away, and I craved it constantly.

At around 3pm, August 2nd I get dropped off at the hotel and my girlfriend's parents run some errands and meet some friends. I step into the hotel room and contemplate what I will do for 2 hours before my girlfriend gets out of her class. Immediately I am tempted to drink the vodka that was left in the freezer. My girlfriend's mother did state, "Help yourself to anything in the fridge!" But I keep myself from doing that. I figure there has to be something else I could do.

I take a stroll down to the local market, which is like a mini-mall of tasty take out foods from around the world. There's Vietnamese, Italian, Japanese, English, etc. and I am in LOVE! FOOD is GOOD! I think ok, awesome.. This is what I need. I don't eat quite yet, and I figure I can eat there with my girlfriend later. Instead I visit a little Asian quickee mart that sells candy and beverages and I buy some gummy bears and a "new age" beverage called "Mary Jane". The beverage claims to relax you. By the name I figure this might be something that can curb my desire to drink a beer right now. Every fast food stand in the market sold beer and half way thru my stroll I was salivating for a Stella Artois, a Negra Modelo, A WHATEVER THE HELL I CAN PUT IT MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW. The beverage was tasty. I didn't feel anything really. I mean I tried. I thought, "ok, here it comes.. I'm relaxed. OMG I am so stoned!" But no nothing.

I end up walking back to the Hotel and checking out some tube. The first thing on is the only thing I end up watching and it's a documentary about the Steroids industry in Sports. What a great topic. I tear into the gummy bears and after 15 minutes they are all gone. Then I realized that by this point I was flat on the couch, watching tv, and had just polished off an entire bag of Gummy Bears. To boot, I was getting sleepy. Was this the effects of the "Mary Jane"?? Could be. Want to read a review from someone else? http://www.bevnet.com/reviews/maryjanes/Mary_Janes_Relaxing_Soda

Ok, ok.. all kidding aside. The drink did have a rather calming affect. Kava extract is supposed to do that. But right about now I'd be pretty tanked on any other normal given day, and today was just the 4th day of the exception. I was a little, let's say.. down and out about it. I was missing my best friend.

My girlfriend finally shows up and is ready to roll. I know how she feels. After any first day of class I have ever had I am pumped and feeling good. I respectfully decline to go with her to get a pedicure and manicure and stay laying around to feel "relaxed" with my kava extract some more. She calls me later as she finishes her pedicure/manicure at a little smelly place that is adjacent to the aforementioned market-place. Now is my chance! Going to have a great meal with my awesome girlfriend and everything is going to be ok! When I get down to meet her she is smoking a cigarette.

All hell breaks loose in my mind. WHY is everyone doing stupid shit when I am trying to be clean?! I don't care if she smokes really. I am not trying to keep anyone from doing what they want to do, but by now the very smell of cigarette smoke is causing me to want to hurl vomit. I make a face, I sit far away from her, I tell her I won't join her until she puts it out. This basically is what starts a "quiet battle" between the both us that lasts the remainder of the trip. I keep to myself. She tries to get me to act normal. I spat even worse. Her mom asked why I was upset. I tell her why. I stay quiet. I feel it is my Human right handed down to me from my creator, to feel CRANKY and UPSET. I just want to be left alone. I try to register for classes and all of them are full. Now I REALLY want to be left alone.

So it was a quiet car-ride to LA.

Upon arriving to LA. I get my stuff and hit the hay. The next day I almost leave my girlfriend. I say mean and hurtful things. I feel MEAN. I AM mean. I WANT to be mean.

Don't worry everyone. We stayed together. But this is really a tough road. I'm still sober.

I'll type about Thursday the 5th, and Friday the 6th tomorrow. We will be all caught up then.

Day 2, July 31 2010

So I am a little later posting my ramblings on day 2. But at least I am getting it done right? So day two was a not as hard as day 1 because I attempted to fill in the gaps with another substance. More on that later.

The night before my girlfriend got home from a night with friends and she was really drunk and smelled like liquor. Instead of being understanding and trying to console a friend who maybe could use the same TLC that I got at my treatment program, I became irate right away and didn't sleep in the same bed. To be quite honest though, the smell of alcohol was making me want to lash out, and usually I lash out with a bottle of some sort of alcohol and then fall asleep like a rag doll thrown onto the ground (which was sort of my girlfriend at the moment). The following day (July 31st, which was actually later in the day because she got home around bar closing, 2 am), I let her have it. I didn't yell, but I told her all my concerns. The possibility of a DUI.. the cost of one.. the possibility of manslaughter (she wrecks cars sober).. and worse yet the possibility of yet another adult in this household losing their license.

I think me being sober was a good thing in this predicament. It gave me a good perspective and a great angle to defend my views on drunk driving. I am a receiver of two DUI's and both of them could have only been prevented if I DIDN'T DRINK in the first place.

Later that day she posted something on facebook along the lines of "I'm with you on the sober kick..." and we had a long conversation about other facets in our relationship while actually sober and learned a lot from the experience.

At one point during the day I finally decided that I really wanted a beer. I couldn't stand it. So I went for another thing I really enjoy and is about as cheap as beer.. PHO NOODLE. I rode my bike to a Noodle House that is further away than my usual. It felt great! It was probably not very healthy to go out and eat, and not very healthy to stuff my self but it calmed an urge. I told myself that every week that I stay sober for a week, I will have a Pho Friday. This sounds good to me, since Pho costs about 6 bucks and beer for a week was costing around $40.

Unfortunately after the Pho, I still had an urge. I calmed it with another substance that I really have been staying away from since I have been binge drinking alcohol, and that's CAFFEINE. I went to a liquor store walked all the way around the refrigerator wall, passed the beer and the four lokos, and ended up at the energy drink section. I purchased a Rip-It for 99 cent which cost a dollar and 67 cents because of a 50 cent atm charge and crv. I walked around the parking lot and drank it while picking up enough crv off the ground to more than make up for the 5 cents. Afterwards I realized I probably should have just drank water. More on that later.

When my girlfriend got back from work we went out for coffee.. (my caffeine idea hit me in the morning and I had texted her an invite for coffee). I had 3 shots of espresso. I realized that I was doing was crossing out one substance and adding another, but it's no big deal right? It's just COFFEE..

I woke up this morning feel cruddy and rolling out of bed later than I usually do (9:45). I attribute this to Caffeine. Today's later post of Day 3's ramblings will officially be Day 3 of no alcohol OR caffeine. Let this be a new pledge. I have the last two days of July down with no alcohol, starting august I am not drinking caffeine.

I can just FEEL the extra change jingling in my pocket!!

Day 1 Friday, July 30, 2010

I have made a pledge today to stay sober for a month. For people who know me well this is a monumental decision. It's a decision I've made before but have always eventually gone back on. This time a solid month that includes a pledge to a sponsor, may actually not backfire. I have already quit smoking cigarettes (last thing I smoked was a cigar on July 11th, my birthday) and don't smoke marijuana.. but that's mostly because I can't afford it and never have any.
Alcohol has been something that fills every gap and resides in every corner in my life. Lately since I work at home mostly and don't leave much I drink at home no matter what I am doing. In the shower I was drinking. I was drinking while doing lawn-work. I was drinking while cleaning the house. I was drinking while watching movies. I was drinking all the time. If I went out with friends and my girlfriend, or just friends, or out by myself I usually had a few or too many beers with my food, with my conversations, or with whatever.. you get the picture.
Today was day one of being sober. I was already giving myself an excuse a little while ago to have a drink. My girlfriend called me up and invited me out, and I thought, "what the heck! I'll drink tonight and start the countdown on SUNDAY, because that's the beginning of a NEW month. I did the right thing and stayed home. Sure right now I am a little on the edgy side, and a little left out because of all the drinking I COULD be doing right now... I digress. I shouldn't.
The day started out easy, because I couldn't drink this morning. I go to a DUI program class every Friday Morning. I rode my bike there and back as I do every day I have class. It's a 14 mile round trip. Drinking would only make me more tired and dehydrated, so I didn't even want to drink. And then I had to ride to the post office before even getting back home to pick up boxes. Usually upon arriving home, I want to drink, but I was too hungry and I ate and drank ALOT of water. I have been contemplating buying a lot of seltzer water to curve my obsessive need for carbonated beverages.
After this, in an attempt to stay busy I brushed shoulders with my Girlfriend (who lives with me and will now incur the wrath of a sober Fernando, who usually has visions of grandeur and writes maniacally) and pack up a few Ebay packages of things I sold. A small lot of Disney PVC figurines I sold for a penny, 20 CD's that all skip I sold for 6 pennies, Broken GI Joes Toys I sold for a penny, the Autobiography of Malcom X I sold for 75 pennies, and a Spongebob Gamecube Game I sold for 178 pennies. Sweet.
I ride my bike to the post office again. I look thru garbage cans as I always do. Found about 12 CRV's. Sweet.
When I get home I start listing on Ebay again and every time I want to drink I have some water. I feel hungry more often for some reason. I usually do, but it actually felt like a hunger pang. When I was drinking it felt more like I was going to be sick If I didn't eat. Then I would usually just drink some more instead of eating. Not today. I also chose healthier meals and ate more slowly and enjoyed my food. I ate oatmeal, bananas, cucumber and tomato with hot sauce, and some left over squash. Usually I'd stuff a piece of Ham in my mouth and have another beer.
All in all I can get used to this. I just have to figure out how I am going to deal with all the socializing drunks that I still call friends. Here goes nothing!